Thoughts for Words

After reading a book named: A subtle art of not giving a fuck: A counter intuitive approach of living a good life. I realized a lot of things. I realized that everything that I am doing is wrong and that I only put myself in a situation that is ruining my life. I realized I deserved better for myself, I deserve to be a priority, not an option or a second choice. It's my choice that I am hurting myself and I should be responsible on how to get away with it. Reading that book made me realize on how lucky I am with the good people that surrounds me. All this time, I had been focusing on one person that doesnt even care about me. I'm just wasting all my time, energy , efforts specially emotions, emotions that ruins my life over the past year. I finally let go of him, well I cannot say that I finally did but I'm still in a process, in a beautiful process. When you give yourself a chance to become a better version of yourself your giving your life a new meaning, a meaning that ...

My feelings, I can't understand. Lost somewhere I cannot found. I feel alone yet unsure. Is it him then why? My feelings are changing and I can't explain how. Mixed emotions and sudden anxiety attack. Not sure if it;s time to let go or stay stuck? Can it not be over soon? When will this be ever stop?

We both are a member of same facebook group. His name just popped up after few months of not being active. You know social media?! My heart beats fast when I saw his name, I didn't react, pretending to be cool and already got over him, so I just seen his messages to the group. March 12, we saw each other again, it was because of a common friend who gave birth to a cute little boy. One of my friends and me are patiently waiting inside the mall, then he came, I am sitting on a bench near the supermarket while one of my friend is texting where the hell he already is since we're waiting for him for almost an hour that day. Then he came, I knew from afar he's been looking at me, I didn't look back and I suddenly face towards his direction. Before I can still manage to smile, a smile of a thousand watts but at the moment, I didn't even, though I 'd really want to. We accompany him first in buying gift for her cousin. While walking, I kept on moving away from him, I st...

Day by day Memories are now fading But when it strikes It hurts like hell Going paranoid but you need to stand still Please go away Go away from my mind Please...

I am still thinking of him. It's been 3 months since it happened. I wanted to move on but every minute of my life, it is him who I am thinking. It is him who I am always praying to be with. I really wanted to get out of this labyrinth, but I can't. I don't know what am I supposed to do now. I am so depressed....Wishing this would be over soon. Hope I will feel better in days, weeks, months, year. I don't know when. He is driving me crazy. We had closure, through text only. For me it is not yet enough. I want more, I want more from him. I miss him and it's killing me!

I shouldn't have loved you really. I am insane of such illusion. I should've ended it early, then nobody got hurt at all. -Published December 24, 2016

I survived today i didn't texted him. I wish this feelings will be over soon. I cant change the fact that he cant love me. I am giving up my 0.01 percent of chance that someday he will choose me. I've been waiting for him for over 11 months now and i just realized yesterday that this shit is not going anywhere. Whatever I give, whatever i say, no matter how much i express and say that i loved him, he cant choose me. I gave up. I deserve someone better.