Thoughts for Words

Why is that every time, when you already forgot that one person. When you already convinced yourself that it really is done, that you don't feel anything at all. Then suddenly, in such an ungrateful moment, you will see a glimpse of the memories from the pasts. Then it will hit you hard, everything will comeback. As of this writing, I am starting to forget all over again. Why is it so hard for me to forget when others can just do it in such a second? Why can't I just forget everything and don't remember anything at all?

I'll always love you and make you happy If you will only say the same But if you leave me and love another You'll regret it all some day You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray You'll never know dear, how much I love you Please don't take my sunshine away You told me once, dear, you really loved me And no one else could come between But now you've left me and love another You have shattered all of my dreams (Johny Cash)

I dream of you last night, you we're looking at me from a far. I dream of you last night, we we're sitting on a bench near a river side by side. I dream of you last night, you're introducing me to your loved ones in your house. I dream of you last night, we we're sitting in a car inside. I dream of you last night, you were calling my name from a far. I dream of you last night, we we're dancing on our wedding night. I dream of you a lot and it's a nightmare to me every night

It's been a while but the feelings still the same. Every minute, it is you on my mind. Every dream, it is you who appears every night. I wanna be free from this feelings. I wanna forget everything about you. But how? When everything I see reminds me of you?

In few days time, I'm turning 25. I realized that I deserved better more than anyone else. I need to stop chasing on that one wrong person and stop pushing myself to that someone who never bother to be with me since the very beginning. I need to stop settling for less, I need to start looking for the best because all this sadness will then soon fade away. Just go after the better things. That's everything for now.

After reading a book named: A subtle art of not giving a fuck: A counter intuitive approach of living a good life. I realized a lot of things. I realized that everything that I am doing is wrong and that I only put myself in a situation that is ruining my life. I realized I deserved better for myself, I deserve to be a priority, not an option or a second choice. It's my choice that I am hurting myself and I should be responsible on how to get away with it. Reading that book made me realize on how lucky I am with the good people that surrounds me. All this time, I had been focusing on one person that doesnt even care about me. I'm just wasting all my time, energy , efforts specially emotions, emotions that ruins my life over the past year. I finally let go of him, well I cannot say that I finally did but I'm still in a process, in a beautiful process. When you give yourself a chance to become a better version of yourself your giving your life a new meaning, a meaning that ...

My feelings, I can't understand. Lost somewhere I cannot found. I feel alone yet unsure. Is it him then why? My feelings are changing and I can't explain how. Mixed emotions and sudden anxiety attack. Not sure if it;s time to let go or stay stuck? Can it not be over soon? When will this be ever stop?

We both are a member of same facebook group. His name just popped up after few months of not being active. You know social media?! My heart beats fast when I saw his name, I didn't react, pretending to be cool and already got over him, so I just seen his messages to the group. March 12, we saw each other again, it was because of a common friend who gave birth to a cute little boy. One of my friends and me are patiently waiting inside the mall, then he came, I am sitting on a bench near the supermarket while one of my friend is texting where the hell he already is since we're waiting for him for almost an hour that day. Then he came, I knew from afar he's been looking at me, I didn't look back and I suddenly face towards his direction. Before I can still manage to smile, a smile of a thousand watts but at the moment, I didn't even, though I 'd really want to. We accompany him first in buying gift for her cousin. While walking, I kept on moving away from him, I st...

Day by day Memories are now fading But when it strikes It hurts like hell Going paranoid but you need to stand still Please go away Go away from my mind Please...

I am still thinking of him. It's been 3 months since it happened. I wanted to move on but every minute of my life, it is him who I am thinking. It is him who I am always praying to be with. I really wanted to get out of this labyrinth, but I can't. I don't know what am I supposed to do now. I am so depressed....Wishing this would be over soon. Hope I will feel better in days, weeks, months, year. I don't know when. He is driving me crazy. We had closure, through text only. For me it is not yet enough. I want more, I want more from him. I miss him and it's killing me!

I shouldn't have loved you really. I am insane of such illusion. I should've ended it early, then nobody got hurt at all. -Published December 24, 2016

I survived today i didn't texted him. I wish this feelings will be over soon. I cant change the fact that he cant love me. I am giving up my 0.01 percent of chance that someday he will choose me. I've been waiting for him for over 11 months now and i just realized yesterday that this shit is not going anywhere. Whatever I give, whatever i say, no matter how much i express and say that i loved him, he cant choose me. I gave up. I deserve someone better. 

August 2015 The story began when I transfer to another company. I though I will not be able to attend the first day since I had trouble with my medical, good thing I was able to submit the necessary information before the first day starts. August 13, 2015, I first laid my eyes on him, the man who caught my attention for the very first time. The feeling? I can't e x plain, i feel the sparks and everything, the sounds and it was like the time at the moment stops. But he? he didn't even noticed me. Then the day started. Well first day so you need to introduce yourself. I heard his voice for the first time, then I saw his face side view and I was like "so it was him in that way". Well I think it was past 8pm when he first talk to me and my heart it did really skip a bit, his question? He only ask my name and my salary offer , well of course, I did answer and ask the same question as well. I was a bit happy he initiate talking to me first. (well if i know that was just n...

I am now feeling it. I am a looser of love. Loving the person who can't love you back is a total insane. I am aware from the beginning yet I still believe in that 0.1% that he will gonna choose me. I am losing my hope now, there's no any other way but to move on. But how can how can I move on if I am already in love with him? Why he did left me hanging in the dark. There's too many questions to ask but I should ask myself first that why in the beginning you already knew the result why you still push it. And now? you're nothing but a broken girl in a new years day! Feelings suck. I dont want to have it anymore. I hope someday, I will be able to write happy thoughts and share it with everyone.

Could you please stay if I ask you to stay ? Those were your words to me I took the risk not sure of the ending. Or it might just we've crossed each other path. I'm falling and I'm not sure if you'll gonna catch me in the end. Should I continue or stop?

Be thankful for what you have. You earned it in a good ways. Share it with others. ❤   ✿  

I make mistake. I am not perfect. I've done things people will not believe I would. In the eyes of other's I always look fine with no problem. Deep inside I am hurting and asking for somebody to rescue me. I'm just simple. I want to be happy and face all the things that I am afraid of. But at the end of the day. I'm still not so perfect. Imperfections are beauty. I don't care if you don't believe it or not at all.

Life doesn't have forever. Everybody is leaving.   Everybody will just pass by in your life. When you already love that person, when you already are a good best friend to that person.  There comes a time that you two needs to get separated either by a good or bad reason. As times goes by, the friendship, the closeness will change and when you get to see that person again, everything will now change. However, despite the changes that comes. When somebody leave, someone will come though. Life is a constant change. Just enjoy each every moment and cherish the memory forever.